Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Transforming Suck to Uber-suck

Man, what a dull movie. You'd think that with so many explosions and cool graphics that it would at least hold your interest. Unfortunately, as many films have shown, such candy isn't enough. Forgetting the fact that there's no way Shia LeBeef is going to be dating Rose Huntington Whitley, there's absolutely no way he would have survived the events in the film. Being swung around by his wrist by a giant, evil robot, dropped from at least 20 feet to the concrete, riding a flying and then crashing alien ship, only to end up with some dirty clothes.

Oh, almost forgot: SPOILERS

Spoiler one: The movie sucks.
Spoiler two: despite what fanboys and fangirls have already said, this movie is not better than the first two, which sucked hard. No, this movie was simply longer and stupider.
Spoiler three: Leonard Nimoy continues to rape his Trek legacy by using Trek dialogue to give some gravity to a film that has none.

Ironically, the amount of suck in this movie is equal to a supermassive black hole yet has no gravity whatsoever. The moment when Sam WitwhatheF is crying at the impending death of his beloved Bee had me wishing they'd blow his dumb mute face into a billion little metal chunks so we can turn on the lights and go home. But no, there had to, of course, be three or four more false climaxes before we were allowed to leave the torture chamber.

Spoilery spoiler - why the hell would machines that are alive be riding in machines that aren't? Why the hell would machines that have guns for arms be sitting behind 'dumb' machines that shoot when they pull a trigger? Why the hell would machines that are alive die in space when it's been made clear that they can survive in the vacuum of space? Their bodies weren't damaged when they were found, so I assume they died of lack of air or food or something other than mayhem.

And why the hell would a machine have a metallic mustache and beard? Or the supposed 'Einstein' of Autobots have hair like Einstein? Or a German accent?! For that matter, why the hell would any of them have accents at all? A Scottish Autobot? A Russian Autobot? Still a black sounding Autobot?! Or a Brooklyn accent?

Why the hell can't a Decepticon, which is essentially a flying set of Ginsu knives, kill one fragile human? Why, all of the sudden, is the only way he can kill Sam Wetwilly is with his incomprehendingly slavering vulture mouth? So we can watch, for the billionth time, as Sam hold the snapping jaws at bay and have Bee blow his head off.

90% of the way through this exercise in infantility, we learn from the afterthought humans, that the gun's vibrations mess with their electronics and the best place to shoot them is in the eye. I know it's to show that Amerkin Soljers and Amerkin Injunooty can persevere when machines aren't there to help (even though they already showed that they can't, a number of times, including the lame-ass scene when the rag tag group Sam Limpdicky gathers gives up, only to have Sammy show them what tru bravree is by refusing to quit. Then, of course, the Autobots showed up and saved him from a certain death.

What follows is probably the dumbest sequence of events ever thought up by someone over the age of five. The soldiers and Sam, who really only wants to save his girl, must enter Chicago's downtown, which is Decepticon Central now, and shoot the one missile this elite team thought to bring and blow up one little machine part. To do this they must get higher, because, you know, line of sight and all, so they climb 900 floors in a couple of minutes, only to have that building fall apart around them because apparently the Decepticon Shockwave has an endless supply of roto-rooter body parts that he just abandons when he wants to look fiercely at the Autobots. This building then tumbles over onto another and our heroes must slide, screaming through the building, giving Sam at least five opportunities to be the one to catch the supermodel before she falls to her death. Then they're sliding another way. And another. And I keep hoping the next superslide of death actually results in their deaths.

So they climbed this giant building to shoot a missile? Wait, no. They can't seem to do that. For no reason in particular. So they climb another building and jump out of it, with parachutes they pulled out of their asses. Again. Oh, did I forget to mention the other elite team that flew in with wing suits? Yeah, those suits with webbing under the arms that let you fly a bit, but you're really kinda falling at an angle. No, these guys are able to actually fly horizontally cuz they're so bad-ass. Yeah, from the top of a building, they can fly across town for about five minutes and then pull chutes AND somehow not get shot by the same bots that just shot down three fighter jets in 3 seconds. Then the racist minibots take down the machines that transport the machines so they can use machines to bring more machines. Are they alive or are they just ships? When the big ship dies, why do the little ships inside fall out and die? So they can hit the ground and give Bee the diversion he needs to kick some ass.

Naturally, we have to sit through another patriotic diatribe by the big red, white and blue robot in the shape of an 18 wheeler. With the flag waving, shot up a bit yes, but still waving over the carnage that was Chicago.

Aside from the mom and dad, who are always well-written and funny, there is not one redeeming feature to this feature. At least we weren't subject to the little humping chihuahua. Wait, what happened to the chihuahua?!

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