Saturday, February 25, 2012

Not Winning

I've been trying to return the focus of this blog back to art, mostly my own, but I've been meaning to throw out a cancer update as I haven't had one in a while.

There isn't anything new to report, just some remaining issues to deal with. Some have gotten better, some worse. It's hard to say whether the saliva issue is getting better or not. It's been six months since my last radiation treatment and I have to say that I don't know that I'm all that much further than I was last August. There is some difference in that I can swallow certain foods that I wasn't able to then, chicken and certain other meats in particular. Breads are still pretty much a no-go unless I have a full glass of whatever to help it down. The lack of saliva simply makes it impossible for me to swallow such dry fair. I can swallow it part way but once it hits the back of my tongue, it sticks there, holding on for dear life and sometimes even milk or water won't force it down and I have to choke it up or choke on it. Makes for great dinner company.

The main reason I'm not sure there's been much progress, even though I can eat things I couldn't before, is how dry my mouth gets at night. This hasn't changed much since August. I wake up 5 or 6 times to get something to drink or simply rinse my mouth, as my lips tend to get stuck to my teeth and my tongue to the roof of my mouth. I used to keep a small bottle of Biotene next to the bed but that stuff is useless. Water works just as well, which is really only for about an hour. Then it's back to not being able to open my mouth. On the plus side, I'm fairly certain the surgery cured my sleep apnea.

And then there's my shoulder. This is part of the whole neck and chest muscle thing. The surgeon took my right pec muscle and used it to fill in the gaping hole in my neck after surgery. The muscle still works, but being a chest muscle doesn't much help in your neck. It needs to not work. Any flex of my chest muscle and I get an unpleasant "tug" in my throat and mouth, where my tongue attaches to the base of my mouth. The muscle was reattached at the underside of my jaw and any use of that muscle pulls on the jaw and tissue there, feeling like it's going to tear every time I do something like roll over in bed. Anything that uses that pec muscle. A push-up would be a bit traumatic.

But back to the shoulder. The chest and throat issues I've kinda learned to live with. Therapy doesn't seem to fix things so much as alleviate the tightness for a while. The problem with my shoulder can be helped by therapy, but I'm not sure how much, really. When they took the muscle from my chest, they only cut one anchor point, at the shoulder, and simply pivoted it around and reattached that anchor point to my chin. In addition to doing all the chest flexing, this muscle also helped keep my shoulder in place, helped keep the joint attached. Now any extreme movements of my shoulder, like scratching my ass or sleeping on my right side, make it feel like my shoulder has dislocated, which is a real possibility.


And then we get to the other issues. The ones that have nothing to do with cancer. My roommate, Kevin, was basically killed by a drunk driver in 2007. He died on the street and was revived in the chopper. Crushed skull, lacerated liver, broken bones now with metal in them, brain trauma. He should have been on disability since then, but since his wife was a waste of skin like mine, she didn't do much of anything to help him and the other people in his life didn't do much either, apparently. Anyway, long story short, he had a seizure the other day. Woke up on the floor with blood in his mouth. Went to the emergency room and got x-rays and a cat scan and yup, seizure.

So now, doctor's orders, he can't drive, can't work and needs to get the disability he should have been on since '07. Except that it takes about nine months to get approved for disability. And how is he supposed to live between now and then? Food? Rent? Bills? With no job and no car and no ability to work? Seeing as Arizona has no financial assistance for adults... No answer to that other than - I have to find more work than I already have but somehow make sure my part-time crap job is crappy enough to not make more than $900 a month or I lose my health insurance and can't get it back. As a friend said to me today, that's literally life and death for me.

So yeah, not winning.

9 comments:

Junkstylediva said...

that completely sucks. I understand about working more than government allows or you lose health insurance. Our system is completely screwed up. And how much $$$ do we as taxpayers have to pay our so-called representatives and they get free cadillac healthcare??? As for your physical issues...it takes time for your body to heal. It went through major trama! You are alive and you will get through this. I think your art will help heal you. Keep moving forward :)

Guy said...

Thanks, I'm not too bothered by the issues. They're a little frustrating, but definitely better than the alternative.

Anonymous said...

It does suck. You've been shafted, and nothing can ever change it. But, you're still here. And, even though I don't know you, I love to read your words. That's the best I can offer, not that you asked...

Colleen said...

All we can say Peeg, is that we love you through it.

Michael Murray said...

I'm sorry, man. A doctor once told me that the really tough part about cancer is actually the aftermath and not the treatment, it's the aftermath that they really have to teach us to deal with. Best of luck and a million prayers to you and your friend. Even if you're not winning, you're doing fucking great.

Guy said...

Thanks. I'm fully aware of how lucky I am too though, when I read some of the things people in the same place as me have to deal with. I'm more bothered by the financial and healthcare situation than anything.

Anonymous said...

In reading your update. Ugh. Guy, I know too well. I even feel selfish because I have had surgeries but nothing like you guys. Nonetheless, your problems are here in Jersey also. I can't put certain comments here that I want to about my personal life, but all that said, I feel for your roomate. You guys deserve so much better. Please continue with your art and don't give up. I was going to ask if you wanted a 3rd roomate who is screwed up as well, ME! haha Kidding. I have not been approved by this friggin' new insurance that my *#@! husband got himself into not believing me about pre-existing conditions. I am left without meds in about 2 weeks. I am scared to death. I have no income, can't work, eyesight is getting affected. I am sooo afraid of getting my license taken away so I avoid my eye doctor. I think he knows this. Your stories and your art keep me going if I can tell you that. You guys are awesome. Honestly I thought when I found out that I was moving to Cali that everything would be awesome, now I don't want to go. I am scared. It sucks out there. That state is bankrupted and honestly I don't trust this company. All that said, we are loosing everything in New Jersey and here I sit without disability or Welfare (ACCESS) so, WTF, go to the warm weather is my thought. It's constantly fighting with the decisions. When I read about your dry mouth. OMG! I so know how that is. I have that shit. I think that's why I am typing more than talking. I friggin' can't. It started with the cancer drug they put me on. While it has helped in one area, well, the side affects suck to say the least. I am not even on chemo level of it, so I can imagine what it does to people with cancer. I think of you, Kevin and my friend Roy who just had his surgery and has the feeding tube. WOW! this year has to get better!! It just has to. Your story inspired me today. I woke up feeling like shit and so alone. I am so fed up and now you inspired me because why do I have the right to bitch? We each have our story but if you would not mind, I"m goig to pass an idea by you and see if you would okay it. If you do I will contact necessary people and see what happens. Why not? You never know. Gives me something to do and I am a giver so it's in my maternal nature to always want to help. LOL I mean that in all honesty and with the best of intentions. Take care and continue that artwork!!

Anonymous said...

hang in there kevin cody needs you strong again

Guy said...

Maybe if his mom had paid a penny of child support in the last three years he wouldn't be doing quite so badly. Maybe if she saw her son more than once every three months he might not need Kevin to be so strong. Maybe if any of his family members weren't so useless the two of them wouldn't have to live with me to avoid homelessness.