by the way

I solved the "nothing rhymes with 'orange'" thing.

Door hinge.

So there's that.

I don't have any news. Just here waiting. I did find these pictures buried in my email. I added some for a mini timeline.

This one is from the first day after surgery. May 13, I guess, but it could be the 12th.

The only sleep I got

Leavin the Pit of Despair

Radiation Graduation

 

Need more chin whiskers

Screw Your Weak Sugar

Tomorrow I get my pet scanned again. You know, that whole - inject radioactive sugar in your veins so you can pick up cars like Doc Oc - thing. All the kids are doin it. I don't get the results till next Monday.

I've been eating like a fiend. Still can't taste most sweet things. Fruits and ice creams are pretty boring. Vinegary and other tangy/spicy foods work well.

Completely different:

Flaming Lips have issued a six hour song

"I am in fact, a hobbit in all but size"

Dramatic improvement in the last couple of days. I have been craving pancakes for some reason. I don't even really like pancakes all that much, but the thought of them has been growing in my brain for days. I finally decided that I'd deal with it, so I tasted the syrup we have in the fridge and I could taste it! No more reason not to head out and get some.



As it was 9pm and dinnertime, we all piled in Kev's truck for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride to the nearest Denny's.  I ordered the Build Your Own Slam - 2 pancakes, 2 eggs, hashbrowns and sausages and a glass of strawberry lemonade. I should have ordered the eggs over medium, because over easy was too runny. I couldn't really taste it anyway. Shoulda got them scrambled so I could dowse em in ketchup as I did the hashbrowns. Those were good. The sausages were not. Old and chewy.

The pancakes, for which I'd craved, were light and fluffy, but the syrup was obviously imitation maple because, unlike the real maple syrup I tried at home, I couldn't taste a thing. This and the cakey quality of the pancakes made eating them a futile effort. Irony, that.

Regardless of the small disappointments, the overall mission was a success. My first real meal in 2 months and I could taste most of it, though, admittedly it was the ketchup that saved the meal. I ate everything except the sausages and half the pancakes. A little return to reality afterwards. I was fairly worn out by the time we got home, but still happy to be making improvements.

I have an appointment with Dr. Woo on Wednesday. I think he might take out my feeding tube. I have a long list of questions for him. I'd read a bit about lymphadema. Basically, since Dr. Rothman removed 27 lymph nodes from my neck, the lymphatic fluid that they usually carry away can build up and cause problems. Most of the stuff I've read pertains to breast cancer patients and I need to find out how it affects head and neck cancer patients. Breast cancer patients tend to have 2 or 3 nodes removed. Common problems are swelling in the arm on the side operated on, which is painful and is treated with tightly wrapped bandages that must be worn for weeks. From what I've read, it's not pleasant at all. I doubt this treatment can be adapted to my issues. Can't wrap my neck in tight bandages.

One of the therapies used to treat lymphadema is gentle, specific massage. The fingertips are lightly pressed to the area and moved very slightly down and towards the torso. The other thing I'd read concerned flying after node-related surgery. I'd only seen a couple of things related to this and need to ask if it's true.

I also have to ask when the PET scan will be and how long till the results are back. My dad wants to fly out for it if the time between the scan and the results isn't too long. The last thing I need to ask concerns my lack of saliva. The radiation and chemo pretty much killed those glands. They'll come back, but haven't so far. There's a product that's called Biotene, I think, a spray that acts like synthetic saliva. Part of the problem I have eating certain foods is this lack of saliva. Too dry and I can't swallow. Meats are the biggest issues in this regard.

Anyway, time for my second breakfast!

Over The Hump

The last couple of days have seen a lot of improvements. The fatigue is slowly going away, but the big thing for me is that I can taste certain things again. Tangy stuff most of all, like tomato sauces were first. That and Diet Coke, which I believe prompted the return of flavor when I shocked the hell out of my tongue the first time I tried it. Since then more areas of my tongue seem to be waking up. Since that happened I've been trying to force myself to eat regular food to wean myself off the feeding tube.

I had some cereal. Cocoa Krispies, to be specific. I couldn't really taste the cereal and the texture was a bit much, but I was able to finish two bowls. Ice cream with a brownie, almost a whole sloppy joe, some noodle soups, even a little prime rib that Kevin brought home last night. Mostly it was the A-1 that I was tasting, but still, it was so great to be able to taste even just that!

Now I have no excuse to slack off anymore, I guess. Back to work.

It Hurts and Stings

I was able to eat some spaghetti last night. Sorta. I ate some sauce and some noodles. A mushroom or two. The tomato sauce burned a little, but it was the Diet Coke that really did it. Harsh. It made my tongue do odd things. Everything tastes metallic or alkaline on one part of my tongue. Even water. I think that's why I was able to eat spaghetti. The acidy taste mimicked the real taste of tomato sauce's acid taste and fooled my brain into thinking it was tasting something. So I could finish eating rather than losing my appetite after a few bites of no flavor.

Curse You, Anthony Bourdain

I've been craving real food so badly the last few weeks. I sit and watch Food Network and Travel Channel shows to torture myself. Anthony Bourdain's Cajun episode replayed and I had to watch it. Actually, they serve a good purpose, I guess. They make me so hungry, I can force myself to pour another can down my tube and hopefully gain back some weight. My pre-surgery weight was around 180, which was down from my average 185 to begin with. Right now I'm at 157. Almost 30 lbs lost over the last four months.

But the craving... I've tried scrambled eggs, soup, mashed potatoes, and for the most part, I can swallow it without too much trouble. It hurts and doesn't go down perfectly but it's doable. Last night I made chocolate pudding in the hopes that chocolate, being the last thing I could really taste, might be the first taste to come back. Nope. And the complete lack of taste makes eating it so much more difficult than the physical pain and discomfort. It makes me a little queasy, eating something with no flavor, like I'm doing it wrong or something. I really feel that if they could develop a pill that kills people's sense of taste, they could market it as a diet drug. 5 bites and I'm done.

On the other hand, I opened a Diet Coke and tried to drink it. I was surprised by the fact that I could kinda taste it, but more surprised at how much it burned the inside of my mouth. Like acid tearing through my skin. Oh wait, it is acid... I still managed to drink about a quarter of the can and the burning lessened with each try.

I'm finally feeling less fatigued. Hopefully I can get stuff done today. Like shipping the paintings people were kind enough to buy from my Etsy shop. Up until this week it's been difficult to do much more than sit and click a mouse. Even typing is tiring. But, my mouth is almost healed, the dead skin has finally started peeling off my neck and I was able to sleep through most of the night without waking to clear my throat. Slowly but surely.

Slowly But Surely

I think I'm finally turning a corner. The burns in my mouth are starting to heal finally and I don't feel as tired as I had been. The burns on my neck are much better. I haven't really been out since my parents left, except to go to my doctor's appointment. Had no energy to do much and driving is tough because of the muscle issues in my neck and shoulder.

I tried to eat a few times. Tonight I tried a scrambled egg. I got most of it down before the lack of flavor made it nasty. It's amazing how hard it is to eat when nothing has flavor. If they could make a pill to do this temporarily, they could market it as the ultimate diet pill. I still crave something real, like a hamburger or something. Kevin bought chocolate popsicles but they taste like unflavored ice. Maybe chocolate will be the first taste to come back, it was the last to leave.

Can't Stand Up For Falling Down

Saw Dr. Szewczyk today. She said my blood work looked great. Looked in my mouth and complimented me on how clean it was compared to many of her patients. Brushing is rough but there's no way I'm going to let my teeth go bad too. She didn't really have anything more to offer for the mouth issues except try Claritin instead of Zyrtec. Gave me an antibiotic prescription for a possible sinus infection.

The bad news is that Dr. Woo was a little optimistic. I guess he's just thinking radiation, but whatever. According to Dr. Scewczyk I have about another month before I start to really recover. Right about the time I'm due for my PET scan in the beginning of October. So...no real sleep for another month...

Blood Work #4,983,222

Back to Sonora Quest Labs for blood work in advance of my appointment with Dr. Scewzyck on Monday. Not the last by any measure, I'm sure.

Still not feeling any better since the last treatment. Wednesday will be 2 weeks. Hopefully the doc was right and I'll see some improvement soon. Very tired.

Well, We're Waiting

Well, it's been 6 days since my last radiation treatment, and it's safe to say this is the worst I've felt through the whole process. It's a little odd to think that the radiation is still doing it's little neutron dance in my face this long after finishing treatment, but they seem to be slam dancing pretty hard in there. My mouth is so sore and burned up inside that I can't really talk. The doctor had given me morphine and magic mouthwash, which has lidocaine, and I hadn't used either much through the whole process until now. The morphine is all gone and the mouthwash is nearly empty. I'm not sleeping more than a half hour at a time before the mucus builds up enough that it wakes me, choking. The fatigue is mostly gone, but has been replaced by plain old lack of sleep.

One thing I've noticed over the last few days, no matter how loudly or clearly I speak, every single person asks "what?" after every word or sentence, making me repeat myself and further tearing my tongue and cheeks apart. This happened before all this radiation crap, but obviously it's a bit more troublesome now. The really frustrating part is that if I don't repeat myself and just sit and wait five seconds, nearly every person finally answers the question or acknowledges what I had said, confirming that "what?" is just a knee-jerk response to everything. It was frustrating before, now it's infuriating and painful.

Kaia left yesterday. Back to Florida and school. Miss her already.

There And Back Again

Well, it's official. I'm done with chemo and radiation!

The techs from the radiation room gave me my mask and some t-shirts for the family and some "congrats!" balloons. Even so, it was a bit anti-climactic, but still, very happy to be done with it.


On the down side, Dr. Woo was not happy with me for losing so much weight in the last week. 158lbs is not good, especially when I started at 174, according to his notes.

Afterward, the family and I drove to Banner Desert Regional, the hospital I had my surgery at, to attend the SPOHNC (Support for People with Oral, Head and Neck Cancer) meeting. My surgeon was to speak at the meeting and my parents were very interested in going. Since my radiation took place at 5:00 and the meeting started at 5:00, we were a little late, but caught the tail end of his talk. It was rather interesting and somewhat befuddling how there were a couple of old farts there trying to rationalize their drinking with questions about fermentation versus distillation. Basically alcoholics looking for an 'out' to continue drinking, even though Dr. Rothman clearly stated that alcohol use, along with smoking, is THE main cause of head and neck cancers and the continued use of alcohol is a huge contributing factor in survivors having reoccurrences of cancer. Genetic mutation being the main driver in cancer growth and damage to cells being the main cause of that mutation. Alcohol causes damage to cells. Period.

There were also a number of questions about vegan diets and the like, which Dr. Rothman answered fairly diplomatically, but directly. Basically, he said that while he can't argue that eating whole foods isn't healthier, there is no data correlating a vegan diet, or any diet for that matter, with preventing or curing cancer. In fact, he went as far as saying that the vegan movement, culturally, is about selling vegan products and vegan cookbooks and vegan t-shirts and the idea that it can cure or prevent cancer is just another branch of that marketing business. It is all supposition and none of it is based on scientific research. In fact, the concentrations, none of which are found in nature, are often a cause for damage or illness as opposed to being therapeutic. I took this to mean supplements and the idea that pushing certain herbal "infusions", which I've actually heard a great deal about in the last few months. More than a few people, some even in the medical field itself, have tried to convince me that I should stop my treatments, that they are just damaging me and are the product of greedy doctors in cahoots with the FDA and are just after my money through expensive radiation equipment and such. Oddly these are all people who have already been through traditional treatments and are 'converted' after the fact.

I did get to talk to another patient I'd met previously, a man named Frank. He went through a similar treatment regimen as I, having also had cancer of the tonsil. He was, however, treated at the Mayo Clinic here and had a distinctly different surgery than mine. While he did have cancer in both tonsils, he didn't have to undergo the whole jaw removal thing. I did find out from him that his treatment ended in mid-July and he's already gotten some of his sense of taste back. Good news indeed. Bad news is that he's developed some lymphodemia, which is a common occurrence after this sort of cancer. Basically, because he had lymph nodes removed, the fluid the nodes would normally be helping pass out of the body are gathering in his neck and causing issues. Good news seems to be that this is alleviated with simple physical therapy.

So, I'm sorta done. I have a followup with Dr. Szewczyk on August 29th and another with Dr. Woo on Sept 21st. Other than that, I'm done for the time being!

One More Day

Well, according to the Ironwood peeps, I only have one more session! I was originally scheduled for 36 treatments, but somewhere along the line that got changed to 35, so today was my second to last treatment. Bad news is I can't celebrate properly! Normally such good news requires a trip to a nice restaurant for some great food, but that's not in the cards. No big deal. Soon enough I'll be able to chow down proper-like.

The last couple of days have been rough. Very tired, very sore. I actually had to crack out the morphine a couple of times yesterday. At least the nausea/heartburn went away, for the most part. Once I'm done with my treatments though, it's going to be about two weeks and then I should be working back to normal. Well, the "new normal" as they say. Nothing is really going to be the same as it was, but that's ok. I'm hoping that my brilliant healing powers will even bring back my sense of taste sooner than expected.

Something came up the other day and I thought I'd address it here. My daughter asked me if I felt any different, felt any of the effects right after the radiation session. The answer is no. You don't feel the radiation at all. It's like getting an x-ray. You also don't really feel any of the effects later. They just sort of creep up on you and are just 'there'. Which is why it's difficult to discern which treatment is causing the side effects. I have to rely on what I've read and what the doctors tell me to determine which is causing what issue, the chemo or the radiation, and often I'm surprised to find out it wasn't the way I thought it was. The taste bud issues, I thought, were the result of the radiation passing through my tongue and killing my taste buds, but apparently it's the chemo killing them off. Which also makes it strange that I still have a great sense of smell. I would have though that since the two were kind of linked in the way the brain works, that the two would be somewhat equally affected by the chemo. Apparently not.

Welp, this time tomorrow there's going to be a party in my pants!

Little Things

It's strange how things work out. I was having a lot of pain in my mouth so my doctor prescribed morphine. I was pleased that she was attentive enough to my issues to do so without the whole hemming and hawing about addiction and stuff that my surgeon was going through - and that, three or four days after cutting my face in half and burrowing up near my skull. Oddly, the day after I filled the prescription, the pain subsided enough to where I don't need the morphine. I haven't even had to take the vicodin.

Unfortunately, the pain was replaced by some pretty harsh heartburn/acid reflux. Nothing seems to alleviate it. I have Prilosec and anti-nausea meds and Tums, but nothing really helped. I'm feeling like this is my version of chemo nausea, as it does feel like my stomach wants to get rid of what's in it, but I don't throw up. I can count on one hand how many times I have in my life. The feeling has lessened a lot since yesterday, but the thought of waking up knowing that I had aspirated into my lungs a little in my sleep was enough to keep me awake most of the night. From my research, I'm keenly aware that the last few treatments are often the time of the most vulnerability to things like pneumonia and other problems associated with lowered immune systems combined with issues like I was having.

On top of that, I was having issues with my stomach today that I hadn't experienced before. I've lost more weight lately than I'm comfortable with and have been trying to force myself to eat enough, but while using the feeding tube today, my stomach seemed to rebel at the fact that I simply do not throw up and took matters into it's own...hands. While feeding myself, my stomach basically started pushing what I had just put in, back out! My damn liquid meal just started overflowing out of the Bolus syringe and onto my lap! So gross and a bit unsettling. It happened twice before I gave up. It could have been just air pushing back out through the feeding tube, but no air seemed to come out, just the Fibersource food.

I managed to get some in me without incident later on this evening, so I'm thinking it did have something to do with the stomach issues I was having. Hopefully it's a one-time occurrence. I'm already paranoid about the feeding tube enough as it is without issues like this cropping up.

On a much more positive note, my daughter finally made it here and we spent the day together with my parents and then to see Harry Potter. It's only been a couple of months but with all that's going on it seems like I hadn't seen her in forever. That and the fact that I only have 4 more radiation treatments combine to make a very happy Guy.

Four More Days

Just got back from Radiation treatments. I get a couple of days off for the weekend. Then just four more treatments till I'm done. Hopefully. I get a nice long wait of 6 weeks before I get a PET scan to see if I'm really clear of this crap.

I am very pleased to say that, even though the side effects have not been fun, they have not been as bad as I was told they'd be, even this far in. According to the doctors, the effects of the radiation and chemo continue for about 2 weeks after the last treatment and then the side effects should start to go away. Except the loss of taste. Of course.

Right now I'm experiencing a bit more burns than before. I'm sure it's a cumulative thing, like getting sunburns on top of sunburns. Still not too bad and certainly not painful. You can see from the pictures that my skin is browned, but in strange patterns and it seems like it's brought about moles and freckles, more than an even tanning. Weirdness. The scarring is turning whitish from the chemo and the scabbing in the junction of the scars is white more because it's peeling skin than scabs.
You can also get a good look at where the hair on the back of my head is gone for good. I shaved it up in a sloppy fade to cover the weirdness, but it's still kinda weird looking. Oh well. A small thing.

All really yummy and fun, no?

Almost done!!

No Mo CheMo

Yesterday was a good day. Today, not so much.

Yesterday was my last chemotherapy session. I got me a certificate an everthang. Got my picture with some of the girls. I felt pretty good most of the day. The chemo even seemed to have calmed my mucus up a bit. But man, I was tired. The fatigue hit me pretty hard and I went to bed at around 8:30 and didn't wake up until I had to the next day for my shot of Neulastin at 3:30. The shot never hurts, but the meds burn going in really bad. More than any damn shot. I had to go back and get my radiation at 5:00 and they couldn't take me early so we left and went and walked around the mall for an hour. That just about wiped me out. I was so tired I fell asleep on the radiation table. The session is about 4 minutes long.

Went home and right to bed. I woke up a couple of times to force myself to eat, but it's all I can do to stay awake for 20 minutes without flopping back in bed. All of that's not that bad really. I just feel ick today. My kind of chemo-nausea is mostly just bad heartburn and it's really bad right now. Acid-reflux burning in my chest and throat bad. I just got up to eat and my hands are shaking from how nasty I feel. And the mucus isn't gone, it's just taken a nastier form and really buggin me. Overall I'm feeling better. I haven't had to take any pain meds at all today. Which is kinda funny since I just got some good straight up morphine for pain and no reason to take it. Probably for the best. I have 6 more days of radiation and my mouth is probably going to get worse before the end.

Oh well, that's enough feeling sorry for myself for one evening. 4 more days and my baby gets here! Can't wait, I miss her so much. You're my reason for livin kiddo!!

Dr. Gorgeous' Soothing Syrup

I suppose it ain't right cheering for hard drugs. Too bad.

Dr. Gorgeous saw me halfway through my chemo session. The second to last I'm to have, Wooohoo! Her assistant asked how I was doing and I let her know. Basically I tried to talk. That was nearly enough. I think it was for the Doc too cuz she gave me freakin morphine. I'm sure it's not a high dose, but the contrast with Doctor Stingypants trying to tell me Ibuprofen was fine 8 days after he cut my head in half and tore out half my pecs is just too much. And it's not a pill! So I don't have to try and gag it past the razor blade in my neck.

So I got Morphine, some stuff called Miracle Mouthwash, which is a custom mix of Lidocaine and two other things I can't remember now. One is like Benadryl I think. Either way it tastes like I'm gargling sunscreen (yes, for some reason the nasty medicine I can taste). I also got a scrip for the infection that's turned my mucus orange or green, depending on the time of day it seems. This tastes awful too. Bad news is the pharmacist didn't have the morphine, and the one they sent me to didn't understand the instructions so she couldn't dispense it until she talks to Dr. Gorgeous tomorrow.

So I'm getting my literochemo and I remember I forgot, again, to call and have the other med I need delivered. It's three horsepills (yay) that I need to take during the two days of chemo and one after. I call the shop to ask them to deliver it to Ironwood and she says it will be there in two hours. Naturally it took 3 phone calls and 5 hours to get there. Regardless, the needle hurt but I don't care, the room was cold and dull but I don't care, the nurse/tech/whatever was a cute brunette with a great....personality and I only have one more day of toxic crap goin in me.

*late night edit* Yeah, I should be asleep. I forgot something important.

I wanted to thank all the exceptionally generous people who've selflessly pressed that donate button. You know who you are. I won't name names but you're all really humbling me. Some more than others, Ha! Kidding. Sorta. I'm actually in shock at the response and have no way to thank you. I did send something but it's so insignificant compared to what it's thanking you all for I'm almost embarrassed.

Sincerely,
thank you,
Guy

Erm

I think I'm finally starting to feel better after my four day weekend. Just in time for chemo. The headaches and earaches are much less than they were at the end of the week. The fatigue has lessened a good bit too, but the gunky throat issues are still there as is the feeling that my mouth is burned up. Swallowing is all but impossible, as I found out earlier tonight. Heartburn is on full again, but because of the swallowing problem, I can't take the antacid as it's too big to swallow and it's a time release capsule, so I can't open it and take it through the tube. Either way, I need to get some sleep if I can. 10am is going to come awful early.

Hesitant

I've been hesitant to do this, but well, the last of my ex-wife's back child support is gone and the two fundraisers Pizza Hut and my awesome friends Colleen and Christian at copicmarkerscrapbooking.com started are gone as well. I'm still unemployed due to this wonderful thing called cancer and my parents have started paying all my bills. I've been getting a little bit through Etsy and sales of my paintings but it's hardly enough to see the ends, much less make them meet. So I've plopped a "Donate" button here. It's over there to the right above the social networking links.

I don't want to guilt anyone into sending a donation. If no one sends anything at all, that's perfectly fine, but I wanted to give people the opportunity. Mostly I just want to mitigate the amount my dad has to drop into the black hole that is his son. This blog started out as a marketing tool to get my work seen and hopefully generate sales and that's still very much preferred since you would be getting something in return - some nice art for your walls, but for anyone who can't afford a painting or who might not see anything they like (I do commissions too!), this is a way to help without dipping too deep into the cash flow. Any amount is truly appreciated and if you include a mailing address, I'll send something as a thank you. It's Paypal and you can use any credit card. If you don't want to click the button but still want to help, my Paypal account is under my email address: protoguy11@yahoo.com

Surgery

I've been thinking about this lately because I've been writing about how my doctors, all three of them, have told me that the side effects from the radiation and chemotherapy are worse than the surgery. I've said a number of times that, so far at least, this hasn't been the case for me. I don't know whether this is because I have a good healing profile and have yet to experience real nausea from the chemo or very bad burns from the radiation. The effects do seem to be catching up on me a little but they're still not as bad as the surgery recovery. It's obvious that I'm not enjoying this at all and it definitely is difficult.

The reason I've been thinking of all of this is because I don't want to give people the wrong impression. I definitely had a very difficult time in the hospital, no doubt. To be honest, it's the only time during all of this that I've been brought to tears from the pain and trauma. I know that I was pretty raw emotionally as well as the obvious physical issues, but it was easily the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through. That being said, I'm still glad I had the surgery. I'm not sure not having surgery was an option for me, certainly not if I wanted to get through this. My surgical oncologist gave me the option of going the 'just chemo and radiation' route, but I believe that he didn't believe it was the best option. Stage 4 is only 1 step down from 'get your affairs in order'. I also know from my research that if I had gone that route I would be enduring a much more intense series of treatments and for far longer with likely more serious and permanent side effects. The only plus side seemed to be no scars.

I guess what I'm saying in way too many words is: I'd do it the same again. I don't want to inadvertently dissuade someone who reads this from going through surgery. Even though I felt differently in the hospital, and now I'm looking back through the long lens of memory, which softens the experience a bit, I'd still do it the same. I'd much rather have the evil crap cut out of me as much as possible than have even higher doses of possibly more cancer-causing radiation and larger doses of toxic chemical dripped right into my bloodstream. I think my chances are much better after having the surgery and I believe it was the right way to go.

Bleh

I guess this is what the doctor was talking about when he said it was going to be rough.

I have read a lot of stuff since finding out I have cancer. Some personal blogs, some informational stuff from cancer websites, some forums for people with cancer. None of them really go into what this stuff is all about, what to expect. The most that's offered are vague sentences about how it's 'difficult' or 'challenging' or simply statements which are nothing more than what the issue is called, like 'mucositis' or even less helpful, 'burns'. None explaining exactly what mucositis is like, how it affects you, what to expect, none going into even small detail about what the burns are like and how they affect you. There is certainly nothing about how the mucus builds up in your throat to the point where it threatens to go into your lungs, choking you. Nothing about how trying to sleep is nearly impossible because of this, or that the mucus accumulates so fast that you have to clear it out every 15 minutes or so or your throat and mouth are filled with it. Nothing about how the burns in your mouth make you gums swell up so much they feel like they're going to grow over your teeth, or how this makes brushing your teeth nearly impossible, certainly very painful.

I can only sleep for about a half hour at the most before I wake up and have to run to the bathroom to clear my throat out. Sleeping sitting up doesn't help at all and the sofa's too far from the bathroom anyway. I have a pharmacy's worth of medications to take for nausea or pain or allergies (to help dry out the mucus), for constipation because the pain meds give you that, but they're all pills and I can't swallow them and some I can't grind because they're timed release or capsules.

Energy to do anything, that's what I need. And some sleep.

Still, not as bad as surgery.